My Dear M——,

I am writing to acknowledge receipt of your opening deposit.

It is our policy to inform all new clients of the Lovecraft Savings & Loan that withdrawals may be effected at any of our branches as follows: seek ye first the place where nothing becomes something. Stare into the onyx void until you discern the first bilious glimmerings of that fungoid species that furnishes our offices with illumination. Pay no heed to the ravenous Crustacea that are ever ready to gnaw at your shivering flesh — nay, abhor them, for they are foul with the putrescence of their antediluvian origin — as you are sucked down into the putrid, maggoty slime. Before suffocation occurs, you will plunge shrieking into the nauseous chasm beyond the odd-angled planes of hideous creation. When at last you find toehold in those abysmal regions, sidle with stifled breath past the peculiarly odorous monsters of your own secret impulse to where you will behold the first blasphemous babblings of being, the teuthoidean protoplasm of pure, loathsome abnormality!

When a bank officer appears, simply state your intention — do not be distressed by its demented laughter and tendency to squirt ink. My anguish would be eternal should our association end, but if that is your decision, always remember that the infinite resources of the Lovecraft Savings & Loan are at your disposal should you again desire to avail yourself of our services.

Should you decide to remain with us, however, you will be pleased to learn that the Lovecraft Savings & Loan pays interest that you may believe will add the sin of usury to your soul's burthen. Chaos and Cacophony daily toll a bell whose echoes ripple eerily in the aqueous darkness — truth, faintly perceived by science, but sounding more distinctly to those gifted of poesy, will accrue to your soul according to its capacity to receive.

Yours,

Z——

                                 (Personal Investment Officer)

Dearest M——

I am most disturbed to hear of your difficulties in withdrawing your deposit following your decision to decline our services. Your story of a teller resembling William Burroughs is perplexing as our tellers generally resemble humanoid cephalopods. This, together with your contention that when asked directions to the place where nothing becomes something he merely made clicking noises and regarded you pityingly through multifaceted eyes, leads me to surmise that you may have inadvertently visited the offices of one of our competitors.

Be assured that the Lovecraft Savings & Loan has effective mechanisms for dealing with all of your problems. In order to facilitate a speedy resolution, should you still desire to pursue this matter, please address all correspondence to the tones of the bells of Chaos and Cacophony.

On a brighter note, I can tell you that interest has already accrued to your account, although a perusal of the enclosed statement will show that due to fee increases your soul is now in the possession of Lovecraft Savings & Loan, and that the truth required to liberate it is beyond human powers of computation. As always, communication with the noisome herd of enslaved and soulless beasts that wander in dull despair amid unending opiate twilight regarding the details of our contractual arrangements may result in special measures to offset any decline in profits.

By the way, can you even begin to imagine the consequences of loss of ability to pay our fees? The enclosed brochure outlines an insurance policy especially tailored to this eventuality.

Yours...